robby #16

I’ve only watched one of my teams win in the playoffs twice in my life(while as a real fan that can actually remember things). The first was two years ago, when Case Keenum stepped into it and threw to the sideline, where Diggs caught the ball, was missed by a tackler, and ran for a touchdown to complete probably a top-3 NFL play of all time. The second time was yesterday, the Vikings once again playing against the Saints, but with a few roster changes and played in Louisiana.

My emotional investment in sports will probably never pay off like it did with The Minneapolis Miracle, but this time around, although it was much less of a chaotically insane win, I was still rewarded with a brief rush of unique joy. Throwing my arms up while standing next to my dad, knowing that the team that he picked to like—seeing the team that he picked to like, overcome an absolute underdog story is a liberating bliss I can only compare to using codeine recreationally.

Away from football, my desire to see the Phoenix Suns actually make the playoffs one of these years would be a momentous occasion. They have been building quite the drought and has in turn created this almost ridiculous notion that the Suns are somehow synonymous with “young rebuilding team that just can’t quite put it ALL together.” Yeah it’s not that ridiculous it has been the actual reality of this franchise for almost a decade now. But fuck if they aren’t almost as good as the Vikings at making me believe, giving me the hope I need to feel a willful rally inside of my heart, the true heart of a fan.

I’m 100% on board with Devin Booker being the best player on a competitive team, I’m 95% on board with Deandre Ayton being worthy of the number 1 pick. I’m 85% on board with surrounding these two with pretty much guys only like Cam Johnson and Mikal Bridges. I’m 110% on board with a team that has two players who may or may not have the eyes of Kelly Oubre and Ricky Rubio. I’m not an NBA GM, I’m not sure what’s the most efficient way to transform this team into one capable of making a playoff run. I have no “genius” ideas for the future of the Phoenix Suns, but I am getting used to the culture. A culture of promising youth that are somehow perpetually trying to find their identity while being bombarded by unpredictable factors that results in them being slowed down. A part of me is glad this NBA team is the team of my young adulthood.

I’ve been writing more than I usually have been since buying this URL. There was a good month and a half where I didn’t at all, a fact that I’m still unsure if it was unhealthy sign that I should stop writing altogether, or a healthy reminder that this is the shitty life you have, now go back to typing poorly sequenced paragraphs little dumb boy. That reminds me, for Brent primarily, here is a short compiled list of possible jokes I could’ve said to you in person, all in the same format:

Mistress wants you to do a keto diet
Mistress wants you to lick her red bottoms
Mistress needs an ASMR session, give me 20 dollars pay pig
Mistress wants a Jesus Piece
Mistress has PTO, stand on yourself little pig boy
Mistress wants you to pee in this cup and give her your fingerprints

This writing Renaissance is mainly because of how slow it’s been at work so far this Quarter. I’ve been putting in around 1.5 hours a day specifically typing on this website, I’ve made some visual changes and put in a couple new category tabs. I really want to just fucking hire someone to make this site look like not shit, but a part of me likes how unprofessional it looks. Kind of like how when I tell Nick I think a girl is hot and then he says “bro look at her jaw line” and then I say “yeah I know it’s hot” and then he says “she looks like a guy” and then I say “so what” and then I have to explain to Nick for the 100th time that girls with 1 or 2 features that are somewhat “fucked up” makes them seem more complicated as a person and even more important, less boring. And then he laughs to himself and says “she is not hot” so I double down and say she’s the most attractive person I’ve ever seen in my life.
Similar situations like this has happened between him and I at least 80 times.

I’m listening to Lykke Li right now, she’s still nice in my ears but a lot of my favorite music, or even, the more enjoyable cuts, have been feeling like strangers to me lately. Nick and Brent think I have PTSD, I think becoming aware of this possibility has incredibly fucked with my ability to feel safe, whatever was left of it. I also think I’m just going to have to be whatever I’ve been for awhile, in order to replace some of this doubt, I guess I have to use something like hope. So I’ll try out some faith and see how that tastes, or I could just use it for the future. The worst part is I’m envisioning what I’ve already seen(the conceivable) when I’m one-thousand percent certain that wherever I’m headed is going to be like Haunted of Hill House Season 1(something I haven’t seen, so inconceivable). Everyday the past week, at some point I think about that one bullshit ass tweet, “you can’t heal in the same environment that hurt you.” It just became doubt thinking how I’m the one who hurt myself so realistically, Robby, how do you plan to do ANYTHING that resembles healing?

“I’m so fucking deep in it
I think I feel another wave”
-lykke li, deep end