robby #14

I think that one of the best thoughts someone could have are thoughts of realization. Actually, I’m not sure if any other type of thought could be superior to the feeling of clarity that comes with knowing yourself. I’ve gotten quite familiar with this sensation this year, but every time she leaves i’m left with more confusion than I started with.

Nina is a girl that any intelligent person should be able to recognize is fundamentally different than me. If there was a quantifiable chart where x=personality differences and y=time spent with each other, she’d be tucked into a corner only visited by Makena and Brandon, and all three of them are blown out of the water by my brother.

This basis of science has led me to hypothesize with the same frame of perspective I’ve used for every hypothesis in my life: what can happen here in the future? My favorite self-serving question is “what am I going to end up representing psychologically, to this person?” It’s been almost two full seasons since I’ve met her, and right on schedule I deviate from my interests and arrive at the question I really wanted to ask myself: What is she going to symbolize for me?

16 days ago, Shawn Carter turned 50 years old. For no real reason other than the fact that he is Jay-Z, his entire discography was released from the vault that is Tidal, and made available to the rest of the people who use different colored vaults. This Hova Free Trade Agreement is responsible for dropping the jaws of two of my 38+ year old coworkers, pause. This decision is also responsible for allowing me to delve deeper into these older albums(something I have literally been able to do at any moment ever, but now it’s convenient). I’ll dedicate at least one album per week, and hope to be done combing through all 13 albums before it starts to get warm.

I wouldn’t be mad if I was living in a simulation and the Player pressed pause, and during this break, the Player approaches me through another randomly generated body. Let’s say in this instance, the Player is controlling Zooey Deschanel. Zooey Deschanel faces me in a frozen world and gives me a mid-game report on my progress. I’ve fantasized about a situation like this for years, although mostly in a way where it’s at the end of my life, and any statistical question can be answered. For example, “Zooey Deschanel, what percentage of my sentences we’re spoken while I was asleep?” or “Zooey Deschanel, how many times did I masturbate in my life?” or “Zooey Deschanel, what’s the ratio between the time I spent generally happy and the time I spent generally sad?” If I imagine the reaction section of my brain is just a small me inside of a long hallway, listening to Volume 3… Life and Times of S. Carter prompted that little robby to immediately open the Life Stats door. Unfortunately, I have no idea why. But what I do know is that the difference in dopeness between my Life Stats and Jay’s Life Stats would be even greater than the difference in our perceived life dopeness. “Zooey Deschanel, how many children did I raise with Beyonce?”

More important to me than the actual quality of the music I’m discovering are the moments of clarity I’m earning while spending some time ‘hanging out’ with HOV. It gives me context to the person who many claimed to be the greatest, and still do, and then compare him to someone who some today say that for, Drake. The reasons why are different, the topics of their songs are different, and the climate of the entire fucking genre is different. But at the end of the day, or should I say century, multiple other artists are going to be inserted in this conversation. I mean, I’m 21 years old in 2019 and I really don’t give a shit about Michael Jackson being the King of Pop or Prince’s talent in general. I’m not talking for every 21 year old, but time is a destroyer as much as it is a healer. What I’m saying is the more things change, the more things are actually changed forever. When I think about this girl Nina through my glasses of the past, but I end up kind of liking what I see without the glasses, am I going to end up putting them back on or wake up tomorrow seeing something else?

That really fucks with me a lot, because most of the evolution in my life are consequences of subconscious thinking, I take no responsible for certain developments, they just happened. But now, it’s like I feel the weight of my actions at every moment, like I’m being challenged by my own ideals, “robby, are you really a person who knows what he wants?” Logically, I’m the same right now, but I keep finding myself doing things I never thought I’d do, thinking things I never thought I naturally could. This is in theme with the pessimism I’m carrying this winter. I don’t look at her like she’s a person who will continue to change everything forever, but as someone who’s mere existence has forever impacted how I maneuver myself for now. I’m in absolute awe every time i’m with her as she masterfully showcases her strengths that happen to be my weakness. A problem I believe that has plagued me this year is that I haven’t surrounded myself with enough uncomfortable dynamics, not necessarily vibes that I dislike, but a desirable place that makes me feel, well, out of place. I’ve hardly spoken to her the past couple weeks, much less seen her, but every day I’ve been insecure and wanted to somehow initiate as much as I can. Against some sort of judgment, I am refusing to allow this story to end and try to unlock more insights from Nina, because when i’m with her I don’t legitimately feel like myself, but she’s influenced me in ways that make me tick as I have in the past, and I’m forever grateful.

If you’re reading this, you’ll always be a significant person in my adventure, and as of this writing, I grapple with the thought that you’re someone more than I realize.