I think I’m talking a way where I’m becoming prone to hurt people and I think I’m walking a way where I’m becoming prone to not caring when I do. These are not the habits I’m accustomed to having. At 20 years old, I believe for the first time in my life my internal struggle is not a matter of Me vs the World, but rather a battle between Me and Me. I’ve noticed some people ride into this war earlier in their life, some later, but I see now that it will always occur. Are we all not driven by some sort of manifestation of rebelliousness, even if it means rebelling against ourselves? Sure, I’ve changed in significant ways before, but if Spring was a showcase of scattered rain clouds, this Summer has placed me into the eye of the storm. In keeping with that analogy, there’s nothing you can do to make it go away, I’m left with only waiting for this weather to dissipate and review the damage done when it’s done. I feel like there’s nothing for me to say or ask from anyone, I only ask myself if there’s any other situation where you truly question whether or not you need help.
“Thinking back when I was broke, I ain’t know who to call” -Dave East
In my room I have two LED light bulbs fixated in my ceiling fan. These bulbs are capable to changing colors with a catalog of like 15 different settings. I’ve used them for about 7 or 8 months now but for at least 80% of that time I’ve only used red. Not that I like the color but it’s by far the darkest setting of all the options. My friends have told me on multiple occasions I should change it up, the leading point to their stance is that “red is aggressive and it’ll alter my mood.” I hardly buy in to that ridiculous theory. I don’t have any intention of initiating a dialogue with them about this topic and I change the color every time I remind myself of what they’ve told me three times.
The idea of being subjected to multiple shifts of my psyche throughout my life is almost paralyzing. I’ve been blinded by my own colored LED light and by consequence I can’t discern the line between progressive growth & arbitrary adjustment. I guess it depends on how I wake up that day, am I going to be an optimist or a confused optimist?
Today I drove to Burger King to purchase two sandwiches dubbed the “Impossible Burger,” a vegan option to their original Whopper. My dad refused to try it even after having a weird conversation of laughter and smiles with him. On the way there, I drove by a fire on the side of the road. It was a bush on the corner of Warner and McQueen, out front of the CVS. It was giving off an insane amount of thick white smoke. There were no firefighters to be seen, none of Gilbert’s finest. How the fuck did this bush ignite into a fiery mess on a Sunday afternoon? I thought of two options, a pedestrian threw their still lit cigarette onto the bush as they waited to cross the street, the other was an electrical complication, although I have no idea why electricity would be routed through shrubbery. On the way back, men in uniforms were already finishing up the scene, probably just minutes away from removing the orange cones from the road. All i’m left with are questions of no importance: why do we have to put out this particular fire? It’s most likely a low risk situation, can’t we just leave it be and allow itself to resolve naturally? Isn’t there a world where we ignore our problems and it works out relatively okay? Can’t we just witness a dilemma & continue driving to get food as if nothing is wrong? I think I woke up feeling confused.
“We can try a million ways
We can find a million ways
We can die a million ways
So let’s try” -Rhye
I Hate The Real Me 