robby #8

Tonight I think about how it might be ridiculous to try and think of thoughts that fall within my perception of what the definition of “profound” is. I mean, as far as this “blog” goes, I do in fact try to type combinations of words that reside on a tier of worthiness above non-casual conversation, but underneath the level of prose of practical help. I mull over the possibility that the necessity of this thematic thought is just a ruse, and I’d be perfectly fine with possibly enjoying the same results by not trying to be a man I may not be. This is not to say I feel like anything I’ve said so far is deceitful, instead I’m unsure of what is going through my head is being filtered appropriately. Last night, at 4 AM(right now is 11:35 pm 6/2/19), I had a three hour conversation with a girl on tinder. I think she just needed some company. In a lot of ways, I felt like I was talking to myself. Admittedly, she gave up information that clearly demonstrated she carried burdens I’ve never shouldered, but the only denominator I cared about was that we both just needed someone to talk to. She messaged me again today, I replied like a dick. It lasted 1/14 the length as it did the previous run. What I find important from this interaction is that I can wonder if I allowed myself to be like her, what information, on the same grade of sensitivity that she revealed to me, would I give up to a complete stranger? I think I am going to message her right now.

I’m drunk and not trying to think about music, today I didn’t really listen to much. Today was 90% Joe Budden Podcast, and older episodes at that. I am enjoying the “before the money” vibe they give off in 2017. Something I believe I can speak on is how lately I’ve been having better experiences in my dreams. I think tomorrow I am going to just post an entire dream journal entry. The most memorable dream I’ve had the past few week is hopeful but in reality, incredibly sad. Years ago, there was a girl that I never met but I knew a bit about her. She knew a bit about me. The only girl that I’ve maybe fantasized about more is morgan. In this dream I was with my brother, one altercation with the police later, I’m on the run. I stumble upon what feels like a graduation ceremony. Standing there in a crowd is *****, in a cap and gown. I approach and embrace her. Leaning against the rail with my arms around her, I tell her I’m proud of her. I believe that this is the only dream I’ve ever had where I’ve felt insecure. Somehow I really felt like I had love for her.

Sometimes I hate that with minimal effort, girls like this tinder girl treat me like a therapist. I literally can not even have a motive and just say the very first thing that comes to mind and she will say the wackest shit to me. Now I’m reminded that morgan texted me a while ago, I have not responded. I can not believe this post is so focused on women. I am going to stop in fear of what I might say on here.