robby #5

Lately I’ve been thinking & moving over the speed limit. It’s not that I desire to travel at a slower pace, it’s that I wish to appreciate moments of serenity in a time where I can’t seem to sit still. So that’s what I did for thirty minutes in public. After returning home from work on Tuesday, I jumped on my bike and rode to downtown Gilbert. I sat on a stone bench near the water tower, facing the parking lot. I have my air pods in listening to a playlist of songs I’m considering for placement in my favorite songs of all time list, I’m specifically listening to Body Smile by dvsn, I do my best to stay completely still – no movement – just the intake of sensory stimulation. It’s almost 8 p.m. on a Tuesday night, citizens are roaming the district for an enjoyable time. I see a lot of things, people, and events that aren’t really events, all of these nouns helped lower my heart rate & provided brief clarity for pretty much only two thoughts.

1 minute in, I see the most beautiful woman that I’d see that day, with a coat folded over her left arm, she’s alone and probably 27 years old, the way she walked was dangerous, I surmise she was about to see friends she knew she were better than. I look down closer to me, an interracial couple approaching their car, the father quickly unlocking and entering the vehicle, the mother closely behind their 4 year old son. Soon after, an attractive man passes right in front of me, right to left. He’s walking his golden retriever on a green leash. He’s wearing a tight green shirt and athletic shorts, he’s 24 & probably single. We make eye contact but I soon switch a trio of young adults, one boy and two girls. They are also good-looking & as they exit my sight, I truly hoped they were to bond tonight.

Now I’m listening to Is She Gone Pop by J. Cole.

A group of 7 moves toward the establishments obviously hoping to have a good time. They are predictably disorganized in their march, however there was no clear person that appeared to be feel powerful. I knew their night was going to be the same as last time. Another group of three girls passes them but going the other way, their night is about to end, but a part of me felt it was only truly beginning. One of them had a bouquet of flowers in hand, I only noticed it as they piled into a car literally as close as they possibly could’ve been. I mostly look at the girl with the flowers, I hope she feels like she’s happier than the rest of her friends forever.

Now I’m listening to Retrograde by Maggie Rogers.

This song reminds me of Bayley, who posted this song to her Instagram story only days prior, I think about her every day. I quickly forgot about her. I’m only 7 minutes in but bothered by my hands getting tired; although determined, I was in an uncomfortable position. I saw two moms stop at an intersection in caution of a car closing in. That car wasn’t really that close and they absolutely had the opportunity to keep going, but I was glad they were going to start their night off with a safety first mindset.

Now I’m listening to Wicked Games by The Weeknd.

I focus mostly on my physical discomfort, my wrists are crying out from being pushed onto by my flat hands on the bench, my arms are behind my leaning body like I’m doing a yoga pose. I witness three people ride by on Birds. Two boys and a girl, they are obviously high school students. One of the boys and the girl are sharing the same scooter, the boy riding solo is following closely behind. I hope that kid feels okay in general and that none of them injure themselves.

Now I’m listening to Make a Mil by Partynextdoor.

Two men on bikes enter my vision on the left. The man in front is donning a helmet and other serious bicycling gear. The guy right behind him, who I assume is his friend/partner/lover, is equipped with absolutely none of that. In his civilian clothing, he keeps pace and they ride into the already set sun. I think to myself is this what I healthy dichotomous relationship looks like? The truth is that I’m dealing with issues with opposite-themed relationships myself at the moment. Seeing those two however, reminded me most of the time, we’re all more alike than we are not. They’re both on bikes & that’s probably the most important detail I could never change with my own silly assumptions.

Now I’m listening to Never Been by Dave East.

A man is now sitting near me, feet horizontally positioned on the chair across from him. He’s wearing a hat, and possesses a large brown bag sitting right next to a small cup of coffee. He’s talking on the phone. After looking at him again, he’s still on the phone, I think to myself that he’s definitely been talking for longer than the average time of a phone call. I debate with myself whether or not I should pause my music or take out an earphone to eavesdrop on his conversation. I decided that I felt peacefully good & to keep my intrusiveness to a minimum. I did nothing but forget about him.

Now I’m listening to Burdened by Bobby Raps & Corbin.

I’m realizing how many groups of probably cute girls I’ve been seeing all night. Granted I’m looking at them all from afar, but usually I’m attracted to 70% of all women anyway so really I’m just playing the numbers. A couple passes in front of me, going back to their car to make sure they’re home by 8:30, their faces were zero percent expressive. Two girls walk in the distance back to their car(s) as well. They were wearing similar outfits. I immediately felt that they had cut their night short. Especially after eating the same meal they ordered the week before.

Now I’m listening to antidote by Orion Sun.

I’m not really sitting still anymore, I’m shifting around with small movements to marginalize my physical displeasure. I was pretty much forced to completely change my positioning and my entire vibe was put off. I want to go home. I keep seeing the same things, even though I acknowledge how different it all is. I type into my notes what I’ve seen, and Hello by J. Cole comes on. I want to ride my bike while listening to this song so I finish up and roll out, I 100% re-winded it back.

My thoughts on the way back were played out into 2 different acts. The first was recapping how alone I felt for the duration of that activity. 9/10 of the people I saw yesterday were not alone, they were in the company of people they either loved or had butterflies for(or both). And then there’s me, sitting alone with really no purpose whatsoever, staring at a silver Hyundai. I accomplished my own personal missions though, by song two I was calm. But by song three I felt creepy, and by song four I had to barter with myself in order to accept I was being weird. Even today, while trying to review what happened, I’m not sure if I feel more at peace with myself or if I just feel more alone & sad. The second half of my thoughts was how ridiculous I felt encountering another person on a bike. A woman most likely in her early twenties, smoking a cigarette and waiting for a green light, just like I am. I followed her for 1.3 miles, which is the part that made me feel foolish. We happened to be going the same way and made two of the same turns, completely coincidental, but a part of me felt bad because I don’t like that a person can appropriately think that I’m chasing them. That aside, I still arrived home sweaty & with extra heartfelt sentiments than what I woke up with. Today, reflecting on two nights of motionless loitering(I went back again tonight, but with far less results for other reasons), I’m drawing to the conclusion that hate won this battle. But that could just be because I don’t feel okay.

I saw a lot of fascinating people, but I feel like none of them saw me.