Energy is a buzz word, certain people can get away with saying “vibes” in situations where they certainly did not have to do so. I’ve struggled for almost two years to find a word to replace vibes from my daily rotation of letters, to find something I can get away with. Right now I’m the furthest I can possibly be from away; I’m sitting directly in the middle of bad vibes. I’m paralyzed, red-faced, and so fucking guilty.
“Just give me a chance, yeah I know we’re different but I could do better” -orion sun
I haven’t hurt like this in awhile and I applaud my subconscious for keeping me safe for so long before tonight. As I fiddle around in my sadness, the best pastime would probably be to reflect on how I got here, but not on the actual details because fuck that. Mostly on why I let myself fail so terribly bad, because for someone who hasn’t had much success, I also haven’t made a misstep this monumental in what seems like nine Summers. Okay let’s theorize:
- Loss of control and direction in my own life tempted me into a path of destruction for myself & others, purely out of my own outrage & insecurity
- The feeling of a split self-identity has me out of touch with who I am, I can admit it’s been tough lately(6 to 12 months) to stay honest with myself & now with other people, especially ones I should be unquestionably trusting in
- My mind was taken control over by an evil genius, with the dubious intent of creating a massive riff within my social circle, most likely a necessary step to take over the world
I harbor hatred in this current moment, I can understand that it all exists for myself, but I truly don’t know where this self-hatred is taking me. How much longer am I going to question whether this emotion is a slow cooked stew, just now developing complex flavors, or a cup of instant noodles hastily removed from the microwave, bitter and piping hot? This is so new to me I’m honestly baffled at how wide the range of results are. I can absolutely imagine this going the pessimist route, where it continues to get worse and I’m led to my ultimate loss of emotional control. However, I don’t have sixty IQ, I know I can keep my attitude balanced & realize this is a forest fire, I can grow here.
“That’s when shit was brought up and you know I had to lose it, damn I almost lost it, damn I hate the real me” -future
This wouldn’t be the first time though, hating myself into eventual self-love, that is. The United States will never be able to celebrate a true victory in the Middle East, the impact of their efforts are too volatile to predict the outcome effectively, and today, I cried a lot over a guilt thrown in my face. However, history dictates that I myself have never lost a war, and if I go dummy on this train of thought, I’ve always been fighting the same battle and it’s just the context that gets the paint job.
I think I’m going to discredit everything I’ve already typed in this post by reiterating that I’ve never been in this situation before, and that I’m fucking stupid for trying to apply past logic in the here and now. I guess if I were to really know where I was headed, I wouldn’t have spent 100 hundred dollars on a 10 year lease for a domain, and purchased a fucking wordpress website to voice my horrific thoughts on the second worst pain I’ve ever experienced.
I Hate The Real Me 